The Kortemonster

Origin: Cincinnati, Ohio

Current whereabouts: Unknown

Weight: Between 195 and 250 pounds depending on the season.

Height: 5'10"

Habitat: Various hospitals, bars, and golf courses throughout the Cincinnati metropolitan area. Witnesses will occasionally claim to have spotted the Kortemonster at a gym in Mason, however these sightings have not been substantiated.

Diet: The Kortemonster stands alone in the animal kingdom with a diet that's unlike anything known to science. During its prime, the Kortemonster was simultaneously considered both a carnivorous apex predator as well as a ruthless scavenger. Later in life, as the Kortemonster reached adulthood, its diet slowly transitioned into that of a more opportunistic omnivore. The Kortemonster can now be found, grazing on various fried foods and malt beverages.

Safety: If spotted out in the wild, remain calm and avoid eye contact. If you happen to have any food, cigarettes, or alcoholic beverages on hand at the time of the encounter, it is best to slowly place said items on the ground in between you and the koremonster. Once items have been placed, back away in a calm and deliberate manner (no sudden movements). Although rare, the Kortemonster has been known to strike. While these aggressive encounters may be rare, they are almost always preceded by one or more barks and or cackles. Upon hearing any of these early warning calls, vacate the vicinity immediately and head for high ground. It is a known fact that the koremonster hates hills.

Sightings: If you see the Kortemonster and live to talk about it, please document and share the time, location, and any other pertinent details. YOU COULD BE SAVING INNOCENT LIVES!